All Good News

St. Peter tells them, "As you all know God has a sense of humor and his latest idea is to put the Kingdom of Heaven several hundred miles from the Pearly Gates."

"How is that supposed to be funny?" one guy asks.

"Well, God had the novel idea of allowing those admitted into Heaven a vehicle to travel that distance, but the quality of your vehicle is based upon how faithful you were to your spouse."

Knowing they can't argue and that God obviously knows all, the men begin confessing their infidelity.

"I admit I screwed around behind my wife's back, but I broke it off with the girl before my wife found out." One man admits. "Very well," St. Peter responds and gives him a standard bicycle. The guy shrugs and feels a little better confessing.

The second man says with a grin, "I've never actually cheated on my wife." St. Peter raises a skeptical brow. "Okay... There was one time, but it was technically before we were married! I was drunk and I didn't know what I was doing but I've never been unfaithful after that!" With a heavy sigh St. Peter grants the second man a car--but in terrible condition.

The third man says proudly, "I've never been unfaithful. Never." The other two stare at the third in disbelief. "No, he's right." St. Peter confirms. "He's been faithful the whole time. In fact he lost his virginity to his wife." The other two men gape in jealous amazement as the third man is granted a brand new sports car.

The third man obviously can make it down the long, glittering highway toward the Kingdom of Heaven faster than the other two. However, the first man on the bicycle finds the third man pulled over not too far down the road. Perplexed, he rides to the sports car and finds the man sobbing into his steering wheel.

"What's wrong, wise-guy, is this Italian muscle too much for you?" he gloats.

"No..." the third man tries to gain composure. "It's not that... The car is beautiful!"

"Then what's your problem?" "I just passed my wife and she was on rollerskates."